Ah, St. Patrick. The patron saint of Ireland who’s day is celebrated with massive parades and copious amounts of alcohol. Today I don’t want to talk about him, though. Today I’m going to talk about “St. Patty’s Day”, the day of American Bullshittery and false Irishness. It’s the perfect day for people to bask in their total real Irishness thanks to their great-great-great-great Grandmother’s first cousin’s Uncle-in-law having ancestors from County Wexford.
So what is St. Patty’s day? It’s a day to celebrate being a “plastic Paddy” for a start. By definition, I’d imagine it’s a day to celebrate the meat in your burger. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally up for celebrating a day about burgers, but national hamburger day isn’t until May 28th so until then, we’ll have to wait. To be fair, Saint Patrick did drive the snakes out of Ireland. I don’t think the Burger King has that kind of accolade under his belt.
I also feel that the joke “Patty English man, Patty Irish man, and Patty Scotsman walk into a bar” really has the same ring to it. And I think your uncle Paddy would throw you some seriously odd looks if you started calling him Patty all of a sudden.Remember in Spongebob Squarepants when he would make some Krabby Paddies? No, because that show didn’t support cannibalism (probably).
I know that burgers are great and some people might see them in the same divine light that you would see a saint, but I really don’t think that the catholic church has actually gotten around to passing “St. Patty” quite yet. St. Paddy spread Christianity across Ireland, St. Patty, on the other hand, is spreading obesity for the most part. Long story short. IT’S PADDY’S DAY, NOT PATTY’S DAY!
Until Next Time,